The Boy With The Dragon Tattoo

Every morning I find myself staring at the boy with the dragon tattoo on his arm, a cover up of a previous (less fierce) dragon tattoo.  The tattoo itself causes me to question why the artist drew the wings in such a way in which they do not seem to mirror eachother, they seem to look opposite to me, which seems strange.  I find myself staring at him some mornings as I often wake up earlier than him and enjoy just listening to him breathe and watching him sleep, he refers to this as "creepy" but I enjoy this time to soak him in with a quiet subtle gesture...  This is one of those mornings, at 5:21am, I sit gazing upon him sleeping and feeling so close to him, listening to him breathe.

He, like his dragon, has many colors and facets, sometimes portrays himself in mysterious ways, and likes to be a strong protector.  But also like a dragon, he can give quite a blow of hurt when he himself is feeling wounded internally or he is unable to take on his own thoughts and feelings.  He is a beautiful creature to me, in many ways with his mysterious thoughts and creative ideas and drawings.  He portrays his true feelings often in sketching and sometimes words, he often chooses not to share his sketches as those are personal to him, like this blog is for myself. 

He can make me feel so beautiful, loveable, and valued most of the time.  He treats me well and is generally an honorable gentleman, and then there are moments where I wonder why he says such mean things to me.  I can say that I understand, I do get why he says and does such hurtful things, but it does not make it hurt any less.  I also see his passion and nurturing ways, as the protective/loving person I know to him to be.  When he feels like he is being put in an uncomfortable place or "trapped", he shuts down and becomes withdrawn, speaking in hurtful ways.

Then all it takes is for him to say something beautiful and genuine to make me melt yet again, like putty in his hands.  I have so much love for him, more than I ever imagined possible for anyone other than my child.  He can make me feel so close to him that I want to wrap him up inside of me, even when he is right there with me.  Along with that great power that he possesses, he can make me sob for days with fears of the unforseen future and his mysterious, unclear decisions that he makes at times.  I know that he loves me, why is it that he has such a hard time accepting it sometimes?  Is he afraid we may succeed more then he ever thought possible?  Does he feel he does not deserve to actually have what we have found in eachother?  Why does he go to such great lengths at times to create a distance and barrier...

When did it happen that I stopped being the person that was just along for the ride, in such a way that the other person loved me more than words can describe and I was merely present, still caring but not nearly as much as he.  Now I am just along for the ride, in an entirely different way.  I now find myself mind, body, and soul in love with this beautiful boy with the dragon tattoo, riding out the waves and calm times, looking to the future and waiting patiently for him at times when he shuts down for periods of time.  I am a firm believer that if you put the time into something and invest yourself, the payout is much greater than one could ever imagine. 

Which is better?  To be close with someone who you feel little connection with but you are generally content, but sense no passion?  Or to be madly in love with a man who ebs and flows with the shared internal passion, who at times seems to shut himself off from you in such a way that causes temporary pain.  As I now recognize his patterns and ways of functioning, I now can predict when he is shutting down and am getting better at guaging his responses.  This I feel is a great skill that has taken four years to acquire.  Is this normal?  Is this what others do?  Then I ask myself, since when have I been normal?  Since when have I ever done things the easy way, I always seem to choose the more challenging/difficult path to journey on, but more often than not, i find it takes me where I long to be.

So, here I sit at 6:23am, trying to find the ability to sleep soundly, instead possessing the inability to do so, focusing my mental energy on what lies ahead in the coming months.  Today is August 1st, the first day of a new change, what I see as a temporary change in our personal relationship.  Hopefully this change of his residence from his home two houses down to an apartment nine miles away, we may be able to continue to grow our connection and hopefully regain some of that passion that has seemed to fade in the past couple of months with so many of life's complications that have entered our lives in the past year.

I just need to remind myself that others have made this work with states and countries between them for months on end.  I look to God and others as inspiration to possess the courage to be strong and positive, to look past my worries and current fears.

I will not be able to wake up every morning to the boy with the dragon tattoo on his arm, but I do know that if I am patient, all that I long for on my personal journey will be mine soon enough.  The easy road is short, but the long, windy road less traveled has many beautiful scenic paths along the way that the view is well worth the wait!

Why do we choose to be in relationships when they suck so much sometimes? Life was easy being single.

So here I sit in my bed at 5:03pm on a beautiful Sunday afternoon on a day when I have had the whole day to do whatever I choose with any of my friends.  But instead, here I sit, unmotivated to move from within the four walls of my bedroom, let alone my bed because I am to busy feeling sorry for myself because my fiance says he does not love me.  Then he leaves for work.  Okay.  That is great.   Thank you for the great start to my fucking day off.  I used to love being single, no attachment, no commitment, no feelings getting in the way, no bull shit getting in the way, talked maybe once a week, great dates, getting to know new people, grabbing random asses was kosher, great sex (phenominal sex), and no planning sex once per weekend in the morning.

When did my life begin to suck lately?  Oh, how about when my relationship became day to day same old and I started avoiding particular discussions just to avoid an argument again that would last more than five minutes.  Why must love exist?  Really, it just complicates issues and makes our decision making and thinking opaque due to non objective thinking.  I wish I could easily shut off the damn love valve so that i could just easily move on and not wonder or feel like I am losing a damned limb.

I am that girl that puts nice post it messages and treats in his lunch box for work, plan for extra food during dinner prep so that he could have a good lunch tomorrow, and I fold his laundry just right and tell him I love him every morning before I leave for work.  Come on now, isn't this the desired girl?  Oh, apparently not, instead he says I say I love you too much so it does not mean as much to him anymore.  So then what happens, he just does not say it or even respond with it.  Instead he says he feels like we are just roommates that happen to have sex (once a week may I add) that happen to be getting married.

I used to be the girl that did not want a serious relationship so I avoided them entirely.  When I met him, my life seemed to change without my approval.  I started caring more for him than others and fell hard.  I wanted things that I never wanted, I all of a suddened started envisioning a beautiful wedding, having fake children and naming them, and seeing myself growing old with him.  He said that he had the same experience.  He never thought he would get married, and then he couldn't wait to marry ME.